The last several weeks seem to be coming to a head. I’m fighting fewer fires at work (which is good), but the stress of fire fighting doesn’t seem to be relieved at all.
I’m still overwhelmed with the things that must get done:
- Finishing the exterior of the house so the insurance inspector can come and take pictures (going on 5+ total weeks now, despite the initial estimate being 2 weeks or fewer)
- Having a place to live that isn’t where I currently am (too much mess, too much I can’t control, lack of good foods consistently available)
- Feeling like I have the ability to balance work and home projects (possibly going to be relieved with moving to my actual property, but possibly not because the struggles I’m having may actually be deeper than that)
- Getting other things dropped in my lap that I’m not expecting
- This may be coordinating everything from health to bills to investing to sanitation/dumpster removal
I’ve only got so much bandwidth to give.
And bandwidth =/= time. Bandwidth is not only the time to give attention to a thing, but whether I have attention to give.
And I don’t have the answers for everything that needs to be done. And the people who are trying to do the things that will help relieve my stress aren’t doing so successfully in any sort of expected time period.
And there is nothing I can do about it. Because I’m at my computer, earning the money to pay for all the work and unable to physically help until the time of day when they are done and ready to go home.
So I have no ability to make things happen any faster or to get the stress off my own plate.
It’s a really interesting position to be in. It’s really why I don’t love management positions.
I’m a doer. I get stuff done. And I usually get it done a lot faster than anyone else.
And I’m in a position where I’m nearly unable to do. It’s hard. I’ve really never been here, and I don’t know how to deal with the discomfort or cognitive dissonance of having to think about things I can’t fix.
So I get distracted really easily. I focus on the thoughts in my head. I try to find release, but I can’t really get things done as quickly as I want–and I really can’t focus on things that must be done.
So not only do I not get things done that will reduce my stress load, I also don’t get things done in other areas of obligation, which increases my stress little by little.
I don’t have a solution yet.