I’ve spent the last few months thinking about why we moved from Kansas City.
We felt called to be there. Everything but the signed letter.
We felt it was Right. There was much work to be done.
It had been something we’d felt to do for years. We made a lot of sacrifices, temporally and spiritually, to get there.
While we were there we did everything we felt impressed to. We were paying the price, we were making the continued sacrifices.
And within 3 months, it was clear we needed to leave.
We (together), but especially I, was not up to the task, the calling, the requirements, etc.
Even while actively focused on consecration–nearly every minute of every day–I wasn’t enough.
We often have challenges and struggles which test and try us. Often these challenges are given to push us to higher achievements–and eventually success.
So, despite growth, despite pushing, despite sacrificing, success (as I defined it) was impossible. I did everything I knew how to do, some more, and couldn’t think of another sacrifice to make.
Perhaps in frustration, I reacted childishly. I don’t think moving to Utah was the wrong choice. I needed space to think and to learn from the experience.
Conclusions as of now:
Sometimes you’re just not good enough. I saw this as I watched men with far more charity than I have do things I could never see myself doing. Granted, they were 20+ years more experienced than was I and likely had many gifts I don’t (or don’t yet).
It’s ok to not be good enough right now. It’s a grievous error to become complacent in that. Eternity is gained only by progression. Only by understanding that to “become like him” is a long term goal.
Always moving forward, even if slow; always choosing to be humble and seeking atonement, even if painful are how we progress.
Success (according to my definition) is not why I act or make sacrifices. (In the short term it may be, but “myopic” is a very humbling word.) I act to make progress eternally. Therefore, I must have guidance from Someone who sees the whole vision, Someone who knows the End from the Beginning.
When I consider this, and choose to be humble–choose to not have what I want be the only thing–then I gain the space in my mind and spirit to gain wisdom. I gain the ability to see what more may be gained from experience. Even if short and intense.
So for now, I’m not good enough.
And that’s acceptable.
But only because I’m still trying to move forward. My weakness fosters humility. Which fosters growth.
(I understand many people will want me to “focus on the positive” of these experiences. That’s what I did. Realizing that there are challenges so great that even doing everything I know how to do, asking for the help I need inspires me. There is much to do. There is much growth required. This isn’t the season to be everything that I was asked to be. But I can get there. I just need a lot more experience and practice.)